Attempt Number 6

Every effort was precise, every move calculated. She moved gracefully, like a panther, to the kitchen counter. The sofa in the next room was inviting, but she wasn’t done yet. She had just one more thing left to do. Placing the envelope on the counter, she picked up her pills. She’d spent a long time accumulating them, from visits to her doctor claiming various illnesses, to over-the-counter pills from every pharmacy in the 10-mile district. She’d hoarded them all, waiting till she had an exorbitant amount. Now was the time to finally use them, all together.

She’d been planning this for 6 months. That was 183 days. 183 days ago, she’d made up her mind that it was high time for her to go. God was taking too long. She was going to have to take matters into her own hands.

She suddenly paused, hesitating. She looked back to her couch, thinking. Was this how she wanted to leave? Was this the last memory she wanted her children to have of her, sprawled on the couch at an awkward angle? Was this the last memory she wanted everybody to have of her?

Coward, a voice in her head hissed.

Why are you doing this? another voice whispered.

Do it! Stop the suffering! What’s the point of living, right?

What’s the point of dying? Get out of this funk, you can do it.

The sooner you realize that people don’t care about you, the more you will understand. Hurry up and get life over and done with!

Quitter, one hissed.

Do it, do it, do it now, the other spat back.

Is this how you want to be seen by everyone? How you want to be remembered?

Since when did you care about other people?

She made up her mind.

Instead of popping them one by one, she popped all of them at once.

“Let’s see who’s the coward,” she thought savagely. The voice didn’t reply.

She walked from the kitchen counter towards the living room to the sofa when halfway, she collapsed. She never made it to the sofa, and neither did her eyes ever open again.

*No, for goodness sake, I’m not contemplating suicide, nor am I even depressed. I’m just writing about it, that’s all. It’s just a story. I have another draft written where she never did kill herself.*

Portable Bible

In times of need, and in times of fear, I hear of how some people turn to the Bible for help. I’ve also heard of some who travel frequently to foreign countries and bring along a travel-sized Bible to protect them. Perhaps it’s to feel a little more secure in the thought that you hold the power to ward off evil when it gets scary and uncomfortable in a hotel room. Not the nice ones with the plush pillows but the 1star kind that don’t even deserve a star. The kind with a creaky bed and corners that look like they haven’t been cleaned in years. You sit and read, and perhaps feel a little more secure in the thought that you have your religion to defend and protect you.

And with technology being so omni-present in our lives, even the Bible has been transcribed into software. iPhone has an application to store Bible verses in your phone so you can have a portable Bible whenever and wherever you need it.The keywords being portable and handy, and not having to lug around many items but instead just one particular item.

But to me… the power both versions wield seems a little different?

I think the power seems different when you hold abook-version of a Bible compared to the power of a Bible from an iPhone?

But recently, events have been disturbing me.

For those not in the know, I recently went to re-visit an embalmer and a funeral director. Having previously collaborated with them to shoot a (rather disturbing) documentary, I wanted to visit them again to write an article. I thought I could get over the smell and the sight thanks to previous memories.

Didn’t quite happen. I left that place once again with the smell of death clinging to my body and clothes and mostly importantly, my mind. Even when I tried to wash off the smell, it remained in my memory. Tell me that you can go through the day smelling the stench of rotting corpses everywhere you go and not go crazy. In my haste and panic, I turned to my aromatherapy oils to mask the smell and my fear. It did work, albeit for a while.

The more pressing fear came when night fell. The first night, I barely slept. I waited till Subuh, prayed, and then went to bed. But my eyes stayed open till the sun came up, and I felt like it was safe for me to sleep.

Next day was worse. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m afraid, maybe it’s real, but I felt like there was someone, or something, in my room with me. And that kept me from sleeping. Sleep leaves you in such a vulnerable state of mind, I was not going to let myself sleep while someone else was in my room with me.

This went on for the next few days, and my fears grew increasingly erratic. I would lie in my bed and whisper surahs while attempting to sleep, hoping and praying that the next day and the next night would be better.Finally, I turned to my phone and opened up Ayat-ul Kursi: the one prayer you read when you are afraid. And I recited it again and again and again and again and again, all the way till I fell asleep.

Looks like the power from the phone still gives people quiet strength in times of distress.

I’m so scared right now

I always write stories, not poems or songs
Cause I think I’m shit at it
But this one just rhymed, and I kept going on
Hoping I’d feel better from it.

*****

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I’m back where I was, the place that I knew
The embalming room, now there’s tables for two
I’ve been here before, I’ve watched him embalm
What do I fear, I ain’t got a clue

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

Staring at death in the face, if truth be told
The smell be worse than the sight
Still don’t make it any easier to swallow
I wonder how I’ll feel tonight

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

Can’t wait to get out and away from the stench
I bend down and just spit out
I wish I could throw up but nothing comes out
Just some blood that flows from my eyes

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I’m scrubbing myself but the smell won’t go away
Think I’ll smell death for a while now
I burn my aromatherapy candles, I pray to God
But the fear inside still remains
Think I’ll smell death for a while now

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I’m smelling death everywhere I go
I recite the surahs I’ve always known
Thought I was desensitized to all of this
But I still got a long way to go

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I try to sleep but fear won’t subside
I see someone staring at me
I thought it’s a dream but now I realize
Something was in my room with me

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

Friend foe, I admit I can’t tell
But I’m afraid, and I pull up the sheet
I fail to emerge till the dawn breaks free
When the eyes are gone, when they stop watching me

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I cannot sleep, and I do not sleep
Rest has become a commodity
I’m just waiting till subuh, and for the light to come
And I feel safer with daylight to see

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

Oh forget it. I’m so scared right now.

I need a hug.

Crashed

Not my computers or various techonological paraphelia, but my mind and body.

I was real happy yesterday to be able to meet up with the cousins, and to have fun. And relief that Aaron was fine when I was imagining he might be in terrible pain.

And today, I met up with some friends from secondary school whom I haven’t seen for a while, so that was great. Though I haven’t gotten much sleep these past few days, and even last night I didn’t really sleep a lot before I had to get up and go off. So I’ve just been feeling a little jam in my body now and then, like it’s slowly deteriorating from not being taken care of.

And now I just received news of a very close friend whose father passed away this afternoon. I feel like my mind’s crashed along with my body. I’m not happy anymore. I’m not high anymore. I’m just sad and tired. Though I obviously wasn’t close to him, I did know him, which equates to me caring about him, and I also care for my friend very much. I wonder how she’s doing right now. I can’t imagine at all.

I’m so sad and so scared. It made me think very hard, and wonder, who can I really turn to if and when something like that happens to me. I have friends, yes, but I’ve come to realize that so many are not all that close to me. Who do I call when I need to talk to someone? I know people will read this and say “Fari, don’t worry, you can always call me, I’ll cheer you up or I’ll talk to you till the night’s over”. But I hate to burden people. It’s not the kind of news people want to hear at all.  I had Gim Siong, who helped me through some of my hardest times so far, and I’m grateful to him. But now that he’s spending 5 and 1/2 days ‘serving the country’ and lacks time for himself and his girlfriend, I haven’t been wanting to disturb him more than necessary.  Thanks to my TP clique and their respective boyfriends who’ve made my boring life interesting. Thanks to my Journ boys who made me feel like I was part of a group which I could belong in. Thanks to Elf, the girl who got me through times when I couldn’t pull through. Thanks to those who sleep late at night constantly keeping me company through msn. Thanks to Tobey for talking to me and giving life before death a little more perspective. Thanks to Jolyn whom  I know I can always talk to, because though we haven’t known each other that long, recent events helped us to be closer. I’m grateful for that.

With life comes death. I just wish the death bit wasn’t so difficult to swallow.

I’m neither a Christian nor a Jew, but I’ve always believed that it shouldn’t matter which religion we’re all from, cause we’re just praying to the same God for health, safety, care and love. And I believe he’ll take care of us even after death.

So though he walks through the valley of the shadow of death, he shall fear no evil. For God is with him. His rod, and his staff, they comfort us all.