Portable Bible

In times of need, and in times of fear, I hear of how some people turn to the Bible for help. I’ve also heard of some who travel frequently to foreign countries and bring along a travel-sized Bible to protect them. Perhaps it’s to feel a little more secure in the thought that you hold the power to ward off evil when it gets scary and uncomfortable in a hotel room. Not the nice ones with the plush pillows but the 1star kind that don’t even deserve a star. The kind with a creaky bed and corners that look like they haven’t been cleaned in years. You sit and read, and perhaps feel a little more secure in the thought that you have your religion to defend and protect you.

And with technology being so omni-present in our lives, even the Bible has been transcribed into software. iPhone has an application to store Bible verses in your phone so you can have a portable Bible whenever and wherever you need it.The keywords being portable and handy, and not having to lug around many items but instead just one particular item.

But to me… the power both versions wield seems a little different?

I think the power seems different when you hold abook-version of a Bible compared to the power of a Bible from an iPhone?

But recently, events have been disturbing me.

For those not in the know, I recently went to re-visit an embalmer and a funeral director. Having previously collaborated with them to shoot a (rather disturbing) documentary, I wanted to visit them again to write an article. I thought I could get over the smell and the sight thanks to previous memories.

Didn’t quite happen. I left that place once again with the smell of death clinging to my body and clothes and mostly importantly, my mind. Even when I tried to wash off the smell, it remained in my memory. Tell me that you can go through the day smelling the stench of rotting corpses everywhere you go and not go crazy. In my haste and panic, I turned to my aromatherapy oils to mask the smell and my fear. It did work, albeit for a while.

The more pressing fear came when night fell. The first night, I barely slept. I waited till Subuh, prayed, and then went to bed. But my eyes stayed open till the sun came up, and I felt like it was safe for me to sleep.

Next day was worse. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m afraid, maybe it’s real, but I felt like there was someone, or something, in my room with me. And that kept me from sleeping. Sleep leaves you in such a vulnerable state of mind, I was not going to let myself sleep while someone else was in my room with me.

This went on for the next few days, and my fears grew increasingly erratic. I would lie in my bed and whisper surahs while attempting to sleep, hoping and praying that the next day and the next night would be better.Finally, I turned to my phone and opened up Ayat-ul Kursi: the one prayer you read when you are afraid. And I recited it again and again and again and again and again, all the way till I fell asleep.

Looks like the power from the phone still gives people quiet strength in times of distress.

I’m so scared right now

I always write stories, not poems or songs
Cause I think I’m shit at it
But this one just rhymed, and I kept going on
Hoping I’d feel better from it.

*****

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I’m back where I was, the place that I knew
The embalming room, now there’s tables for two
I’ve been here before, I’ve watched him embalm
What do I fear, I ain’t got a clue

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

Staring at death in the face, if truth be told
The smell be worse than the sight
Still don’t make it any easier to swallow
I wonder how I’ll feel tonight

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

Can’t wait to get out and away from the stench
I bend down and just spit out
I wish I could throw up but nothing comes out
Just some blood that flows from my eyes

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I’m scrubbing myself but the smell won’t go away
Think I’ll smell death for a while now
I burn my aromatherapy candles, I pray to God
But the fear inside still remains
Think I’ll smell death for a while now

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I’m smelling death everywhere I go
I recite the surahs I’ve always known
Thought I was desensitized to all of this
But I still got a long way to go

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I try to sleep but fear won’t subside
I see someone staring at me
I thought it’s a dream but now I realize
Something was in my room with me

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

Friend foe, I admit I can’t tell
But I’m afraid, and I pull up the sheet
I fail to emerge till the dawn breaks free
When the eyes are gone, when they stop watching me

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

I cannot sleep, and I do not sleep
Rest has become a commodity
I’m just waiting till subuh, and for the light to come
And I feel safer with daylight to see

I do not fear you,
And I do not fear death

Oh forget it. I’m so scared right now.

I need a hug.